Last Friday, the New York Action Network organized a fantastically hilarious action outside JPMorgan Chase’s midtown headquarters in New York City – with some help from the Yes Men. Due to some unfortunate technical difficulties, I haven’t posted a blog about the action until now – but the pictures are worth the wait, I assure you:) Here’s the recap:
For immediate release Sept. 18, 2009
STATEMENT OF JP MORGAN CHASE CLIMATE CHANGE ADVISERS IN REGARDS TO JP MORGAN CHASE CLIMATE CHANGE POLICY
We at JP Morgan Chase care deeply about global warming and environmental destruction. According to some scientists, our civilization’s very existence is at stake.
Such an outcome is unthinkable to us at JP Morgan Chase. Which is why we have adopted a comprehensive policy that applies high environmental standards to the firm’s global business activities. “Conducting business with the highest standards and supporting the communities we serve is part of our firm’s culture,” said William B. Harrison, Jr., Chairman of the Board.
Of course life is sometimes confusing, as we all know. And business, it turns out, can be too.
For example, we at JP Morgan are, paradoxically enough, one of the largest financers of coal, the world’s leading contributor to climate change, and the largest investor in Massey energy, the foremost perpetrator of mountain top removal, the practice of literally blowing up mountains and covering nearby towns and streams.
Many people propose curtailing carbon-intensive activities like coal mining via UN accords, Congressional bills, and other drastic governmental measures.
But that would mean curtailing us—JP Morgan Chase.
Needless to say, we’re against that.
We at JP Morgan Chase propose a saner, more diverse approach to dealing with environmental destruction. One that centers on SurvivaballTM.
SurvivaballTM is nothing less than a self-contained living system—a gated community for one TM that gives full respect to every human life, protecting it from the many vagaries of our increasingly changing planet, even if we keep burning coal.
Whether it’s day and night blasting ripping your town to shreds… or a broken slurry dam that’s caused hundreds to flee and dozens to drown… or water crises that have caused taps to run black in Appalachia… or diseases in children exposed to the hazardous chemicals in coal slurry… no matter what comes to pass, you’ll have SurvivaballTM.
With SurvivaballTM, even if our continued exploitation of fossil fuels does bring on the worst climate-change nightmares predicted by scientists, or we just blow up a mountain over your head, you will be safe.
This is what business as usual looks like.